Buying the Cow (2002)

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General		Extras
Category	Comedy	Dolby Digital Trailer-City Filmographies-Cast Theatrical Trailer Trailer-Loser, Can't Hardly Wait
Rating
Year Of Production	2002
Running Time	84:47
RSDL / Flipper	No/No	Cast & Crew
Start Up	Menu
Region Coding	4	Directed By	Walt Becker
Studio Distributor	Sony Pictures Home Entertain	Starring	Jerry O'Connell Bridgette Wilson Ryan Reynolds Bill Bellamy Alyssa Milano Jon Tenney Annabeth Gish Ron Livingston Erinn Bartlett Scarlett Chorvat Jolie Jenkins John O'Hurley Alicia Rickter
Case	Amaray-Transparent-Secure Clip
RPI	$39.95	Music	Andrew Gross

Video		Audio
Pan & Scan/Full Frame	None	English Dolby Digital 5.1 (384Kb/s) French Dolby Digital 5.1 (384Kb/s) German Dolby Digital 5.1 (384Kb/s) Italian Dolby Digital 5.1 (384Kb/s) Spanish Dolby Digital 5.1 (384Kb/s)
Widescreen Aspect Ratio	1.85:1
16x9 Enhancement
Video Format	576i (PAL)
Original Aspect Ratio	1.85:1	Miscellaneous
Jacket Pictures	No
Subtitles	English French German Italian Spanish Dutch Arabic Bulgarian Croatian Czech Danish Finnish Greek Hebrew Hindi Hungarian Icelandic Norwegian Polish Portuguese Slovenian Swedish Turkish	Smoking	No
		Annoying Product Placement	No
		Action In or After Credits	No

    As is common for direct to video films that were intended for cinematic release, Buying The Cow features a reasonably well known cast - not the cream of the A-list to be sure, but certainly not the gaggle of unknowns found strutting their stuff in the more usual direct to video fare. Lead by the always reliably bad Jerry O'Connell (the fat kid from Stand By Me who was unrecognisably slim in TVs Sliders, but who is looking pudgier every time he appears on screen), supported by TV and B-list luminaries Bridgette L. Wilson (this was the only film in the last five years where she is not credited as Bridgette Wilson-Sampras, and yes, that Sampras), Alyssa Milano, and The X-Files' Annabeth Gish, and featuring genuine A-list contender Ryan Reynolds, there are plenty of people to recognise.

    Buying The Cow is, as well as being the title of the film, a contraction of a particularly distasteful phrase referring to marriage. It comes from "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" While that may seem to be a slim pretext for a movie, that is what it is. The movie follows the fortunes of David Collins (Jerry O'Connell), who has been given the ultimate demand from his girlfriend Sarah (Bridgette L. Wilson) - get married or get gone. Faced with such a choice, David freaks out and begins to lean towards the latter option, hitting the dating scene. His reason for this is that while he loves Sarah, it wasn't "true love", such as he once experienced as an 18 year old in an airport, in a single shared look with a blonde girl. So instead of realising just how much like a poonce he sounds, David begins to contemplate whether marriage to Sarah is the right thing for him, as he is sure his "one" is still out there waiting.

    There is very little to like about Buying The Cow (which you had probably guessed by now). It is unfunny, not particularly interesting, and features more than a few strained moments. Jerry O'Connell is typically bad, and on his Tomcats form here (and to think I once liked him, ugh!), Bridgette Wilson simpers her way through the movie, with a fixed half-smile that is used to express both happy and sad emotions, while Alyssa Milano has so little to do that her half-way decent performance is not able to have any real impact. The only one doing any good here is Ryan Reynolds proving once again he can be a very funny man, and although the amount of time he spends naked in this movie is frankly disturbing, he still manages to get most of the best lines, and certainly the best scene.

    On top of the performance problems, Buying The Cow looks simply terrible. Scenes hang together in a strange fashion, as if it were edited by a newsroom expert, and the direction is just plain boring. On top of that it is grimy, and looks more like an episode from a cheap TV soap rather than a movie with a semi-respectable cast. The sets and locations do not escape these problems either, with the night clubs and bars featured actually looking like movie sets with extras in them.

    There is absolutely nothing to recommend Buying The Cow. Long time readers of this site will know that I am a repeat offender for enjoying films that are "so bad they're good", but to paraphrase a quote from Ghost World, this movie is so bad that it has passed right through good, and back into bad again. Not even worthy of a rent for those who like the cast, unless the desire to see Ryan Reynolds in the buff is particularly strong (okay, so he isn't completely revealing all, but he certainly comes very close). Stay away.

Video

    Presented at 1.85:1, this transfer is 16x9 enhanced. There is no information on whether this is the correct aspect ratio, but from the type of film, and the framing, it is probably safe to assume that it is (also, director Walt Becker's other 2002 effort, Van Wilder was a 1.85:1 ratio film).

    Sharpness is poor, as this is a relatively soft transfer. Fine detail is lacking, and this is not helped by the constantly high levels of grain, especially evident at 22:51. Shadow detail is not all that good either, with a relatively steep drop-off from the well lit areas into murky nothingness. One positive is that there is no low level noise present.

    Colours are slightly muted, making the whole affair look like a cheap sitcom, or something from the 80s. They are at least consistent, however.

    There are no compression artefacts in this transfer, but the same cannot be said for other types of artefacts. Aliasing does appear every now and again, despite the softness of the transfer, but is only particularly distracting on one occasion - on the stairs at 23:30. Film artefacts are a constant presence, and although none are of a size to be at all distracting, they give the print a dirty look.

    The subtitles are reasonably accurate, abbreviating only a few words for the sake of readability. Fortunately most of the comedy in this film (and there is not much of that) is physical enough that the subtitles have little to no effect on it.

    This is a single layered disc, and as such does not contain a layer change.

Video Ratings Summary

Sharpness
Shadow Detail
Colour
Grain/Pixelization
Film-To-Video Artefacts
Film Artefacts
Overall

Audio

    There are five soundtracks present on this disc, being the original English dialogue, and dubs in French, German, Italian, and Spanish, all presented in Dolby Digital 5.1 (at 384 kbps).

    Dialogue is clear and easy to understand at all times, but is delivered with little to no punch, and seems to lack some fidelity on occasions. Audio sync was not a problem, and was spot on throughout the transfer.

    As is typical for this type of film, the musical accompaniment consists of both score and a number of contemporary pieces. Unfortunately, neither are of particularly high standard. The contemporary numbers are poorly chosen and do not fit the action at all, while the score is clinched, and not at all memorable, simply "filling" sound and space between other songs.

    The surround speakers can basically be unplugged for this soundtrack, with no change to the feel. They come to life all of about once throughout the entire movie, and even then do nothing spectacular. For the remainder, they sit dormant, mocking the soundscape with their inactivity.

    The subwoofer has about as much to do as the surround speakers - and that means not much at all. A waste of the format.

Audio Ratings Summary

Dialogue
Audio Sync
Clicks/Pops/Dropouts
Surround Channel Use
Subwoofer
Overall

Menu

Cast Filmographies

Trailers

• Buying The Cow (2:23)
• Loser (2:12)
• Can't Hardly Wait (2:22)

• Trailers for: Jerry Maguire, Stealing Harvard, Tomcats and Trapped.

• Trailers for: Loser and Can't Hardly Wait

    The video quality is average, with constantly high grain, plenty of small specks, not enough fine detail, and poor shadow detail and colourisation.

    The audio quality is no better than the video, with dialogue fidelity issues, and absolutely zero use of the surrounds.

    The bios and trailers on this disc are hardly exciting, but in all honesty this film does not deserve any extras, so there are no complaints here.

Video
Audio
Extras
Plot
Overall